To the girl who feels angry all the time…

 

I am crying again. I don’t know why.

I feel an ache in my heart, tightness in my shoulders, knot in my stomach.  This feeling travels up to my eyes and forms tears to roll down my cheeks. The ache goes to my head and throbs and my hands’ clench.  It’s anger.

I am so angry.

Angry that this all happened to me.

Angry I have to manage every second of my life for the rest of my life.

Angry that surviving each day is my priority when others get to do whatever they want whenever they want. I am envious, resentful of others who get to live.

I am not okay with this.

Pictures of family and friends come to mind, and I know I am not alone, but they will never understand this feeling unless it happens to them and I don’t wish that on anyone.

I am glad I am this me now.  This ‘me’ is the best me but it hurts.  I am doing everything right, self-care, medicine, diet but it doesn’t stop the anger.  It’s time that’s my enemy.  Time is what’s holding me in this moment to feel this now, with every breath I take it’s another second, I am alive and that’s what I want but shouldn’t be all I can ask for.

I want to live my life as well. I get glimmers of that with publications and days out. I can’t tell if that makes it harder.

There’s nothing I can do about it except live another day, and another, and with each day, time passes and I’m sure the anger will still be there, hopefully, fainter, but true.

I am not okay with this.

I’ve been hiding it, denying it to be on the bright side but I should plug into this anger. This anger can propel me, motivate me, move me.

Be angry.

Disabled rage.

Female Rage.

Rage is a better word for it.  It’s a motion, movement, action.  Not static, on-going, an epidemic.  With rage there’s hope. Hope is the driving fact. I am hopeful because I’m enrage.  It’s time to carry it with me and not pretend I am okay, or fine, or clam, or present.

I am not okay with this and that’s perfect.

 

Love, Lucy

2 Comments

  1. Reply

    Tabitha

    05/03/2020

    I love this ?

  2. Reply

    Bonjé Gioja

    14/03/2020

    Wow, reading this hit me like a rock. This anger is no stranger to me. My illness has completely turned my life upside down, and many days I have no idea what to do with the emotions that arise as I try to survive. I struggle immensely to find joy and give thanks when I am hurting so much. I find peace only in knowing that God sees the whole big picture, while I only see a super tiny piece of it.
    Thank you for your raw honesty put out there so that others who are struggling can feel with you. Stay strong! 🙂

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