To the girl who feels sad all the time…

 

It’s ok.  I feel sad too.

It can take over my entire being and I’m left with nothing but this empty feeling – not even pain or emotion – just this frightening emptiness.  I used to think my sadness takes over everything, but really, it takes away everything.  It leaves me without my self.

Do you know this emptiness?

Does it scare you too?

I have fought so hard to be happy, the way people are supposed to be.  But I don’t feel it inside, I don’t know how to move out of this place and back to my self.

I catch myself smiling, scared that someone will notice it is not real and think of me as a fraud.  I feel ashamed of my act, but don’t know where to go to feel truly genuine.  Sadness, after all, is not a welcome emotion.  We are told it’s the undesirable, the failure of happiness and the feeling that you can, and must, fix.

So here I am.  A failure at happiness by society’s standards.  A sad person who is empty.  So I begin to hide, and I slowly disappear.

But the more I hid, the worse I felt.  I felt ashamed, lonely, undeserving of people’s efforts to be around me when I offered nothing back.  I could not show them the emptiness I felt – I could not hold it in my hand and scream and cry and show them my pain.

So I made space for my sadness.

I went from fighting it to welcoming it in, letting it be there when it needed to be and patiently waiting for it to pass.  I have it less attention by not challenging it, and slowly my body was able to relax into this new freedom like an empty canvas waiting for me to paint.

Slowly, the tension eased.

My sadness was there, but the energy I had previously used to fight it couldn’t now be spent on other thoughts – and those thoughts were what led me back to myself, little by little.

 

Love from Abby

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